Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Flying Solo with Mike...


Ok, so I am solo on this evening presenting to you the weekly “Rock Star” review. Andi, or “Ms. Thang” as I call her has been under the weather and not up to par tonight and apparently she is boycotting the review this week because she is mourning the loss of Ryan last week.

Personally, I think that I wore that young, hot ass out, but hey~Just saying. I know that I have been walking a bit bowlegged lately. Anyway, after this review I will have to continue solo after the show where as I am not used to that--what is Andi punishing me for? My opinions? Yes, she owes me big time! Handcuffs, ball gags, oh, yeah… right, on with the review!

On with my play by play..literally…

So Brooke came out looking like a pregnant zebra! Yes, she is having Tommy’s baby! Gilby took them all to write a song. Toby rocked, Lukas sucked. Dilana? What the fuck? Girl, are you losing it? You can sing but can you write? Toby just kicked your ass!!

OMG, they have to do a song plus one of there own? Dilana, ignorant? Say it’s not so!

Oh, Dilana is injured, got carried out by that huge brotha from Green Mile~

Dilana – The Who…. Not feeling it from the start! Oh wait, here it comes… Bring it Biotch! Dilana is rocking on the stool! OMG.. I wanna be that stool! Oh, nice harmonics with the cute house band guitar boy! Tommy looks stoned! Unimpressed! Tommy, why the shades Mate? OK.. So, so performance. Now the original. Once again is Dilana! Oh NO! Not the one leg junkie hop! Dilana looks like she just got hobbled by Kathy Bates. Oh, please sit down! Nice blue extensions girl! Oh the pain, the leg, but great song! Can anyone say “Ello Mate”. Toby has it! Someone put Dilana down. She can not dance on one leg! Great song though. Dave hates it! Oh, Tommy thought it was banging! Gilby the “philosopher” just got booed! Jason knows he wants Dilana!

Super Nova is Sold Out at the joint in Vegas. Second show added on New Years Day! House band is opening! Will Tommy sleep that night? Watch out Ticketmaster… Rockstar.MSN.com

Magni up next~let me go pour a stiff one for this! Back in the USSR. Rock it Magni! He is a great cover band guy! Gilby is masturbating on the sidelines! Magni, “Bitch please”. John Lennon is rolling in his shallow grave and Paul and Ringo are on their way to bitch slap you! This is not Karaoke Star, it is Rock Star! Iceland misses you. You are officially deported! OK~Now your original translated into English.. This should be good! I am lost in the translation Magni! BTW.. Journey already did this song I think? I am about to break out the parachute pants… The house band is in agony! See You Magni! Go grow some hair! What is up with the big ass watch? Even the snackies in the audience are looking at you like “Dude, what the fuck”? THANK GOD IT IS OVER. “Molten hot Magni” from Dave. You know where his mind is. OK, Tommy thinks the performance was the same. Magni says because they were both performed by “ME”. The philosopher Gilby chimed in agreement.

Brooke’s titties are getting huge! Storm is up next, time for another drink!

OK, Storm is up there looking like Charlie Chaplin! David Bowie again, wait, Dave is joining! Dave, you look like Eddie Munster on Heroin! Storm is hot in that outfit. Oh Storm, not a night for a shaky voice, and the eyes have taken orbit! Right now the audience is carrying you! What up with the clown shoes? Your original better rock Storm! If not you’ll be singing “My Bologna has a first name”. Now the original~ Storm is moist, BTW…. “What the What is lady like”? Oh you are so gone Ho! Nice wife beater, looking like Kid Rock! Your song is all over the fucking place! Get off the stage! Get! NOW! Storm Large, the next spokes-ho for lesbian rights. You better learn how to play golf, because you can not sing, you can not write and the Axl look is over a decade old. Take your clown shoes and go home!

Dave is up her ass already, calling her great. Dave, which great singers have you been on stage with? Go beat off and come back. Tommy Just nutted! “You all feeling me”. Gilby in check with the others.

Lukas is up next. I need to move my bowels for this.

Ok, back….

Oh Andi, where are you? I so need you right now!

Lukas – Oh NO… NOT BON JOVI! LIVING ON A PRAYER! I WILL KILL YOU! It SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING SUCKS! DIE YOU BITCH! Jon B is on his way to slap your balls! NEWS FLASH – Lukas, punk is gone! They are laughing at you, you are a cross between Marilyn Manson and Bozo the clown! If I ever meet you I am going to break your nose! You totally butchered a great song and you will pay! Now your original! About your Mother? She’ll be one her way to slap your balls as well! GAWD, you so fucking suck! I hope you end up with Zayra in TJ taking it like a champ! Lukas, “You’re making my head spin”. Someone give him a double barrel and end this! Oh, I am going to be sick! BRB!

Of course Dave, is going emo on us. He dug it in visions of Zippos being lit for that crappy song. Tommy is asking the audience and Gilby forgot he was once in a real rock band!

Toby is next. I don’t know if I should break out the lube or pour another drink! I am so pissed at Lukas. “I will find you boy!”

Ok, Toby Time – “Ello Mate”… Killers? Good start! Looking hot, sounding great! The chick in the audience just came! Yes, you are the real deal! Sorry Dilana, you being crippled and talking shit… Toby has it in my book. I am not sure Narcotics Anonymous is convinced though. You are a little too “POP” and “GAY” for them. They are having visions of “Wham” right about now! Now, your original! Oh, great start. Sounding a bit like “Oingo Boingo”, with the “Oh Oh’s” but… Everyone is on their feet giving you the fist dance! Tommy just winked at Gilby, he wants you mate! Man the house band can rock! I think Tommy nutted again! OMG…. Tommy just grabbed your ass dude, you’re in! Ask for a bonus, I hear that he is hung like “Mr. Ed”. (Dave is jealous btw). Dave is sporting wood! Dave love’s you! Tommy came again! Gilby is foaming at the mouth! Jason is on you! Congrats! See you on tour! Sorry Dilana! Get your leg fixed and we’ll talk!

Andi, get over Ryan’s demise..stop puking, and working so hard, and get the fuck back here next week. This flying solo sucks!

xoxo!
mike

9 comments:

sxuly yrs said...

Mike,

I leave you the keys to my place for one night..and you diss my girl Storm! WTF?? Come on babe, you know she rocked..and What the What..classic! I bet you download that shit next to the London Bridges song on your MP3 player..serious!

Hey, thanks for keeping shop. I will be back soon..as soon as I am done mourning..boo hoo

xoxo!
andi

Faerie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
RobynB said...

Great job Mike!

Miss you Andi :)

erika said...

Hey Toby is hot but his song wasn't as good as I thought it would be. I have to agree with Andi, Storms song was HOT!

Mike said...

Oh, c'mon. Storm's song was something you'd hear at a LPGA torney!

Edtime Stories said...

I swear this show has you all hypnotised.......

Blessed said...

Dave, you look like Eddie Munster on Heroin!
freakin' hilarious!!!!

sxuly yrs said...

WTF!! I have been screwed again and not in a good way..the agony of losing Ryan and now Storm!! I cant deal...

I need an intervention..

xoxo!
andi

bella said...

Andi,

I'm hoping you'll be back for the finale next week. It's just not the same without you.

bella
(Who is no longer firmly in Camp Dilana)